This is another article in this series. I do hope this testimony inspired you. I hope it brought healing to some area of your life. Most importantly, I hope it awakens a deeper desire for a relationship with God.
Little did I know that rejection, abuse, exposure to pornography in movies and magazines were openings the devil would use to twist my life.
In my late teens I was molested by a close male friend of the family. He started the process slowly. Without my knowledge, he came into my room at nights and fondled me. When we were in the ghetto, I had to learn to sleep with the boom boxes of the sound system playing on the street outside our home on Fridays. It caused me to be unresponsive to noise or motion when I slept. Once I started to sleep, at nights, nothing could wake me.
In my final year of high school he made a direct approach. It disrupted my world. I was Student Leader (Head Boy) for the school. And Student Representative on the school board. I was also involved in peer counseling and other activities. I gave every activity all of my focus. Everyone had great expectations of me. Little did they know that I was dying inside. Darkness was corroding my soul. That year I failed almost all my examines at the state level. Thankfully, I had taken two subjects in grade 10 and had done passed them.
The molestation continued infrequently for years. Eventually I fell into that lifestyle. Guilt and shame caused me to hide. I developed a dual personality. When I was around friends, I was happy, very involved with young adult activities and choir at the Methodist Church. But I was suffering in silence. I was plagued with depression.
My remedy was work, school and periods of isolation. I begun working immediately after high school and went to evening classes, I sat two of the state exams and was successful. Work and school kept me busy but it did not provide help for the pain I was feeling.
One day I contemplated suicide. As I thought about how I could end my life I heard a voice ask me a significant question,
“If you take your life, where will you go?”
I knew very little about God but knew enough to know there were only two options-heaven or hell. Somehow I had enough sense to know that I was destined for the latter. So I decided there and then that no matter what happened I would never take my life.
I continued to fake it in church, until the Pastor’s daughter came with a message from the Lord. It was good. God told her He wanted to bless me but I was resisting. I felt I had been found out. I felt like I had disappointed God and everyone. The guilt was too much. So I ran.
I stopped attending church. Calls from my friends were ignored. I wanted to take the time to fix me. Unfortunately, I did not understand that there is no solution that way. There is only one source of freedom. It is found in the person of Jesus Christ. He was absent from my life, so something because my god. ‘Nature abhors a vacuum’. Once there is a vacuum it will be filled. What I was trying to expel from my soul only consumed more of it.
I lived in two worlds. Two categories of friends were maintained. I neither shared my secrets. It affected my behavior. At times it was erratic.
God Throws a Lifeline
I never took drugs. I hated it with every fiber my being. I hated taking anything that caused me to lose control or altered my mind. Worst I hated the fact that it destroyed lives. I was drowning in misery but drinking was also not an option. I made an oat in my mid-teens to never gamble and become a drunkard. Both traits reminded me of my father. I never wanted to become like him. They had destroyed his life.
A few friends encouraged me to come out to my family. Somehow I could not. I just felt I would be placing the wrong label on myself. I was attracted to both genders. I had close female friends and dreamt of having a family. I attempted relationship with females. Good Christian girls were attracted to me but I was afraid to mess up their lives. So I would abruptly end the relationship. I also did not like some of the homosexual lifestyle. Some men were only interested in sex. Relationships were a no no. Others were superficial. They only wanted to wear the latest fashion and be in an elite crowd. That was a turn off. I grew up in poverty and was not ashamed of that fact. My mom had struggled to raise us. No way was I going to disassociate myself from anyone because they were poor. There were other things that made me want to leave the lifestyle. Still there were some very good people. I met people who genuinely cared for others and gave selflessly to society. Even though they faced hostility and hatred daily.
It was only in November 2009 that God begun dealing with my heart. He made a furnished flat available for me. From the first day I called to rent the flat the lady offered it to me. She said she just knew Jehovah wanted me to live there. That spooked me so I tried to avoid renting it. After an unsuccessful day of attempting to find somewhere to live I took it. That woman was a Jehovah Witness but she was so confident that God spoke to her that she went to her meeting that Sunday morning and told someone to show me the flat when I came.
In that place God begun His work in me. On Sundays as I walked about the dwelling I found myself crying. Tears would run down my face. It was bizarre. I was puzzled.
One Sunday, in January 2010, I was home. I was working remotely on a project when a sermon came on the radio. I would normally listen to Gospel and let the services play. This time it was different. I stopped to listen to the Preacher. Without warning, the tears started again. This time I found myself sobbing. Bishop Herro Blair’s voice became lost in my tears. An intense ache came in my heart. I felt a longing that was never there. Something was missing. I knew it was only found in church. I had to go back.
I pondered which church to attend for months. I had attending a New Age church once. That did not work. They never quoted the Bible, They did whatever pleased them. Worship at our Methodist Church was better. Many of the adults tried to walk righteously. They expressed the love of God and there was a sense of community. It was absent from the New Age Church. The people were superficial. I loved the fact that most of them were driven. They wanted to succeed but it seemed that they were willing to do it at any cost. I also overheard too many conversations about meditations and using rituals that did not sit well with me. Attending the crazy Pentecostal churches were a no no. They made too much noise and were just strange. Going back to the Methodist Church was also not an option. The worship no longer satisfied my soul. I was bored with the sermons. They provided no appeal.
An opportunity to attend a church came. They were having an Easter Recital and needed people for the choir. It seemed like the ideal place. Service was short. It lasted only for an hour. The people were very friendly. Yet there was something missing. After the Easter services I sat in the congregation and observed everyone. I saw that the worship was not genuine. Attendance was a ritual. What I was searching for was absent..
I left that church and went to another church. Sunday worship was better. I visited occasionally. For a while I felt I had gotten something that satisfied the pain.
Journey to Deliverance – My Testimony, Part 1
Journey to Deliverance – My Testimony, Part 2 Delivered
Journey to Deliverance – My Testimony, Part 3 Snatched From Death
Journey to Deliverance – My Testimony, Part 4 – Prophesy Fulfilled
If you need prayer, please do not hesitate to leave a request for prayer. I will be happy to pray for you. God is a deliverer. He meets all our needs. He binds up our wounds and frees us from every snare of the enemy. All you have to do is call on Him. I did and he delivered me. He will do the same for you.
He sent from above, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
He delivered me from my strong enemy,
From those who hated me,
For they were too strong for me. Psalm 18:16-17